i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
ugly people sure do ruin things
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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