Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
