from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
