I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
whose ass print is on the piano?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
