haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
