i wish my penis had a tongue
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
