Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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