dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
