he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
