Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
