my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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