she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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