He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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