Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
