did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Randomize