I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
