Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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