I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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