I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
