I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
