I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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