I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
