I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
