My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
