Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize