what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
