She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
