Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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