The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
