Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
