So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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