He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
