Your face is a jimmy john
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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