the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
