I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
