I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
