I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
