So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
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