You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
