I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
