you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize