I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
