the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize