I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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