i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
You smell like stripper and shame
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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