Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize