Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
