I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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