2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
