You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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