I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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