thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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