I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
