Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
