Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
