that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
