omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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