So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
