well I can't set my house on fire every night
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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