glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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