we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
