I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
