I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
