Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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