I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
