remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
