I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
