the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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