Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
