I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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