Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
