I love black thongs
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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