When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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