Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
