you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize